In my Second blog I spoke about my excitement to finally be getting into see a specialist for ADD/ADHD testing. I gave many reasons why I was looking forward to it but I didn't really delve into any fears, I mentioned that was a conversation for another day.
Today is another day.
So the appointment draws nearer and as my excitement grows so too do some doubts and fears and questions. One big question on my mind is what will I do if I go through this testing process and he tells me that there is nothing wrong? No one wants to be different, but when you know you are there is some consolation to being told why. I think it would be quite a let down to walk out of that office with the knowledge that my only option is to carry on life the way it is, not saying that my life is terrible, on the contrary, but i certainly have a lot of difficulties in many areas that should there be opportunity to make them easier I would be so relieved. If I am to be told that my brain function is normal and this is it, then I will just have to keep on keeping on the way I always have, but I sincerely feel like I have now achieved about all I can and there is a big roadblock in the way. I know that the roadblock is me but it is not something I can remove through study, hard work, or perseverance as no matter how much of all three I put into something this inability to focus, remember, and concentrate is overriding them all at this point.
I found a new fear that I personally hadn't thought of when I was chatting to my hubby. I was telling him about how I really hope that things change so I have the ability to read books and actually absorb what I am reading. I have read so many brilliant, interesting books but literally 30 seconds after I have read a paragraph I have forgotten that paragraph. Had I absorbed even 5% of anything I have ever read I would be grateful. Anyways, he told me that he was worried that if anything was prescribed to me that it could change who I am.
This got me thinking.
What part of me is 'me' and what part of me is 'dysfunction'?
If I am diagnosed as ADD and there is some magical medication that can fix this, what might change? Would my inner Veruca Salt be squashed and I no longer sing to the tune of 'Don't care how I want it NOW'? This is the part of me that 'gets shit done', I'm well known for doing it right now and expecting others to do it right now, you know why? Because all my life I know that if I don't do it right now I will totally forget about it 5 minutes later so if something is important it simply has to be done NOW. Will I kiss goodbye the part of me that instead of sympathising with a victim goes about figuring out how to either solve their issue or make them feel better? Sure, I get told all the time that I am without feelings, i am prepared to ignore that, but I would much rather solve a persons problem and have them stop feeling bad than pat them on the back and say 'there there'. I am not the one to say "im so sorry you are feeling sad" I am the person that says "Have you tried doing this, or seeing this person, or doing that". Can the part of me that stands up for what I believe in regardless of image, social standards, or consequence be put to rest for good? Will I lose the fuel for my passion, will I end up being someone who just says "MEH, someone else will fix it" or putting my head in the sand till it goes away? Is it the end of my confident social mannerisms and craving to be seen that have me dressing in bold styles and unique (some could say odd) fashion? Will I become 'vanilla' in my tastes? Will I lose my desire to be centre of attention which fuels my thrill of delivering a presentation to a wide audience and the opportunity for public speaking? Is my driving force to be centre of attention just part of the disease? What about my sudden bursts of 3am brain function that have me sitting up out of a deep sleep writing down ideas that later become activities and projects? Will all that be lost? Is that 'me' or 'ADD'?
We have all seen the movies and read the stories of people with extraordinary skills that shine through harrowing difference - Rain Main, Helen Keller, Steven Hawking The Theory of Everything, A Brilliant Mind, not saying that I am extraordinary (far from it! haha) just saying that there could be parts of me that are exacerbated or exaggerated purely because my mind has a dysfunction. Perhaps this is something that is best left untouched? Or, if I do take treatment perhaps I will unleash a whole new more improved version of myself? I know there are a LOT of things I dont like about myself that I would love some magic pill to take away, those are the things that make life so depressing, exhausting, infuriating, and complicated. Those are the things that you dont like about me. I know you dont, because I know they have gotten in the way of my enjoyment of life since I can remember.
So another thing that has been playing on my mind is something I came across in a support group I joined not long ago to do some personal investigation into what exactly ADD/ADHD is. I mean, who better to tell you all about it than the people who actually have it and openly talk about it? Well, it ended up that the support group conversation focused on medications. Almost every post was "I am on this dose, what dose are you on?", "Ive been prescribed this, is it better than that", "What milligram dose do you need to achieve this", "Im taking that and I feel whatever". This frightened me. This is precisely what I do not want to become, someone who is obsessed with medications/pharmaceuticals. Someone who is reliant on drugs. I don't want anyone to be calling me a 'druggie'. I worry that this could be something that you get roped into once you are taking them and don't realise. It was a bit like the time I was running a support group for people with lap-bands. In the end I was happy to leave because the conversations were like a broken down record of people asking each other how many mills of fluid the others have in their band port. The thing is, it doesn't matter, there are so many different size ports and depending on where the band is placed will determine how it affects you, it was an incomparable measure. I feel this is the case with treatment meds, we are all different shapes, sizes, degrees of illness, and metabolisms so while 5mg of a drug may affect me one way, it might affect the next person completely differently. Humans really feel a deep need to compare all the time, it drives me crazy - just figure your own body out. And if I start becoming one of those people who are obsessed with medications you have my permission to knock me off!
Another fear I have is that of adverse affects from medications. I remember in the early 90's when I was prescribed Prozac for depression. To this day I think that was the worst thing I ever did, going on those meds! It just masked pain I needed to be having in order to make myself change some very difficult things in my life that really needed to be changed. I think being on the pills stretched my depression out WAY longer that it should have been because it deferred me addressing those issues. I know that ADD is a completely different thing, but what I do remember is being a bit of a 'zombie' when I first went on the meds. It took a long time to adjust and you literally have to push through about 6 weeks of it to come out the other end and see if it levels out and is the correct med and dose for you. I have just recently started a new job and I am not entirely familiar with the staff yet nor am I 'safe' in where I stand with management. Had this been something I did in my previous job where I was there 10 years it would have been fine, but being new and in a very 'clicky' sterile environment where no one really socialises much, it is all a work level and anything personal is just your own business. I worry that if I go through a difficult phase where I'm not right in the head for a while it will reflect badly on me and that is something I know people always remember. I know I want to apply for other positions in my workplace so I don't want something like this tarnishing my chances. Hopefully that just doesn't happen.
Physically what could change? Anyone who knows me knows my lifelong battle with weight, only managed thanks to bariatric surgery. Could this be something that gets affected?
One consolation is I don't have to worry about passing anything on to another generation. I chose not to have kids - for so many reasons, So many! But for the most part I have found life to be such a difficult and for the most part a horrible journey so why would I want to pass that onto anyone? I can't for the life of me fathom what people who are struggling with life are thinking when they go ahead and have kids - I mean it is well known how much hard work they are, if life is already hard why would you want to make it harder and why would you want someone else to go through what you are going through? To be honest, I think people don't think, they just do - and then think later. But I do wonder, if I had kids, would they be suffering the same things I do? What part of me is genetic and what part is Disorder?
I have exactly three days left to worry about this and then after that it is a reality.
I just hope that if anyone out there feels like something is not right, or I am changed for the worse not the better, that they have the courage, honesty, and decency to tell me. I always make a point of being honest with others and this stems from the bullying I encountered in highschool. I never found out why I was targeted. No one had the honesty, courage, or decency to tell me exactly why I was being bullied, they all just sat aside silently and watched - enabled! Had anyone been able to tell me what it was about me that was wrong then I could have changed it and possibly stopped the bullying. Since then, I always tell people my honest thoughts. Sometimes that makes people hate me, people don't want to hear truth, but that doesn't stop me. I believe true is the only way to be. If I respect you and like you, then I will tell you when you are being a dick, because I don't want anyone else to see someone I like as a dick, and perhaps bully them.
Anyway, this is a wild card, please tell me if something is going bad, and if I complain - show me this blog! You have my permission.
Take a deep breath, think positive thoughts, trust in the experts - they know their shit! And rely on good friends to keep you in check. You will be fine, Tammy, you will be A-OK. You got through WAY worse things, hell, you survived high school!
