It has been a hard week.
Although nothing dramatic has happened, the struggle within has been rather hectic. Sometimes those are the things that exhaust you most. It isn't like being at work where you go home and have a rest or go to the gym and go home to recover, the struggle within follows you everywhere, in the shower, to bed, to work, to the shops, out with your friends, shopping, in the garden, and even to the beautician. Everywhere I go my thoughts follow me like an annoying child constantly asking me questions I can't answer, pestering me and causing me frown lines - like my ageing face needs any extra lines!
I think the biggest thing has been 'who am i?' I really don't know who I am anymore. The past couple of weeks I have been on my new medication for ADD and the drug is a fast acting quick release medication. So I take it and in a short time I feel it has worked but I also feel when it is leaving my body too. It is a noticeable change and the thing is, I don't know which me is the real me.
Am I the unmedicated version? Am I the medicated version?
Am I someone totally different not yet revealed?
I know that while I am on the meds I feel a lot calmer, sedate, able to think straight and contemplate an answer before I blurt it out when talking. I don't feel so wound up and edgy all the time, I'm able to focus on one job at a time rather than always thinking about a billion things at once all the while never really giving any one thing my all, I am quieter, more calculated and definitely much more able to listen.
But on the other hand, I am still adjusting so I am having issues with feeling tired earlier, not staying up late, feeling a lot more emotional, I've got sore teeth from jaw-clenching all the time, have lost my appetite, if I eat it doesn't taste that good, and I forget to drink. Alcohol affects me differently, and sometimes i feel like my chest is burning, not physically but more like I am nervous about something but I don't know what.
We had a party last weekend and a friend brought with him his new partner. She revealed to me that she was a month on on ADD treatment herself and that the first couple of weeks will be difficult but after that it should all smooth out. I am hoping this is true. I certainly don't yet feel 'smoothed out'. It was so helpful talking to someone who knew exactly what I was going through. I was nervous about this being my first social function medicated. I wasn't sure how the alcohol would affect me nor how people would see me. I am still finding that I am really clumsy and feel like I don't know whether I am coming or going at times, I get dithery. During a chat I actually broke down and started crying, hows that, crying at a party! What a mess, what a drama queen. Luckily I managed to distract myself and compose myself.
What upset me was I was about to go into how I wonder how my life would be different if I didn't have this, or if i had to have this, if I was diagnosed earlier as a kid. I wonder how different school would have been, relationships with people would have been, how maybe my parents might have had a different approach to parenting me - perhaps our relationship now would be easier if they knew about this earlier? No point wondering, it is in the past. But imagine having to run up a steep tall hill with a great big heavy bag of food on your back. It makes every step harder, your legs burn, your shoulders are aching, the sweat drips, you feel the load get heavier and heavier the higher you go, and you see people not carrying bags, running lightly and easily, overtaking you quickly and leaving you behind to struggle. When you reach the top you are told there was no need to carry that bag of food because there is a lovely buffet table there waiting. That's how I feel. I feel like I carried a load which made my trek to this point so much harder than it had to be, it hindered my abilities and skewed my results.
At the moment I wonder if this new medicated me is who I really am? Or is that just the drugs? Does everyone on these become who I am now or is this the real me that I was supposed to be from birth had I not had ADD? I suppose I will never know. Does it even matter? Maybe I am placing too much emphasis on who I am when really I should just be going day to day trying to do the best I can and not worrying about anything else, leaving whatever happens to happen.
Thank goodness tomorrow is my last day of work and then I am off on vacation for two weeks. I have had a really frantic couple of weeks trying to get everything organised in the house for the house sitter. With 5 cats, a fish, and a flourishing veggie and flower garden to leave in her care I need to make sure everything is clean and tidy, supplies are topped up, and try to leave it so that her work is minimal. That takes a lot of planning and organising. Normally I am really on top of things but this has been a bit harder this time around, especially with work being a bit more under the pump and still a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I have two more days left to get things in order and that's it, so I feel like any time I sit down I feel guilty and should be doing things, That in itself gets exhausting. Plus getting the end of year stuff ready for the charity and sorting out our rock gig marketing for the next couple of weeks in advance, I can't wait to be away from it all enjoying a break.
My follow up appointment with my doctor is tomorrow so I will have to let him know what has been going on and all of the things I have experienced. Leaving yourself vulnerable to someone elses care is a really scary thing. Is he giving me the best advice? The Dr Phil show is full of people who have been diagnosed and medicated by supposed 'experts' and Dr Phil seems to think a lot of it is misdiagnosis and wrong medications. How am I supposed to trust him? He is human, he can make mistakes like anyone. I know people will tell me to trust my own intuition and go with my gut feelings on whether I feel like I am improving or not. At the moment I just don't know what that looks like. I really couldn't tell you at all. Some things feel better but some things are different. Is different wrong or is it right, when it is just different it feels neither way.
I hope that one day I read back on these journal entries and realise that this was just a little rough patch that i had to get through in the beginning in order to adjust to a new way. We all know change is a really difficult thing to take on especially when you are changing ways that have been with you all your life. It is good to get it all down on paper (so to speak) so that I have something to read back on when I am happy sailing through and forget to appreciate that I had to sail a storm to get to the calm waters. It will make me enjoy the good part so much more. I have had so many ups and downs through life, a lot of them are journalled (in the form of good old fashion paper diaries) but so many major ones are not, so sometimes I take for granted my easy days.
The other thing I really like about this form of journal is that maybe someone else will go through this them self some day and maybe when they read this they will not feel like it is just them. A bit how I felt meeting that girl at my party, like I finally found one person who understood in a sea of people who have no idea. I've always been an open book, i have always been of the opinion of 'if you are too embarrassed to speak about it then you shouldn't be doing it', so I am not hesitant to write how I feel or what I do and say. That is what I have to offer, I do know not many people will do that. I don't even know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, I never really stopped to care, it just is. I have spent my life not thinking before I speak therefore I need to make sure I am always prepared to stand by what I say. I have always enjoyed writing, just like I like talking, it is the same thing really just one needs correct spelling.
Well, hopefully my next entry will be on the road. I plan on doing a daily blog during the holiday to record our trip and share some experiences of the North. Not so deep and sooky, a bit more fun and frivolity, and hopefully something you will all enjoy reading.
