I made it to Friday!
My first week has certainly had its ups and downs. Luckily I have not had much trouble at all on my medication, the side effects were so minimal that I am really quite surprised. I have had a bit of trouble sleeping and with jaw clenching (I wear a splint in my sleep for this so it was a problem before but has been exacerbated) but otherwise nothing at all to report.
I think the most wonderful thing I have recognised is that my brain is really starting to wake up now. Through the week there were several lessons I had to sit through and for the first time in my life I actually feel like I walked away having learnt something that I can then go off and apply on my own. Normally I walk off feeling confused, upset, stupid, and dreading the fact that I know I will have to go back and ask to be shown the exact same procedure again and again and again. Funny thing happened, my colleague started showing me something and I knew straight away that my medication had worn off because the minute the lesson started my brain was like scrambled egg. I asked her if she minded showing me a little bit later, took a tablet, then within 20 minutes I was ready to function again, it is THAT good! Absorbed every word she said after that.
The first few days I did feel rather odd, I wouldn't even say I felt 'out of it', just a bit weird. But here we are at the end of the week and I now feel very normal. I actually feel more normal on the meds than I do off. It is so strange to all of a sudden realise that your brain is a jumble and that the meds have worn off, I haven't been timing myself or setting alarms, I have been just letting my body work through and see if I notice things get worse and then assess if I think I need one or not. I only take them twice a day so it isn't a big deal, nothing that has your whole life revolving around it. I purposely removed myself off facebook support groups because I didn't want to be influenced by all their talk of dosages, I wanted to learn my own body and its reactions myself through careful observation and noting things down. Taking it all slowly.
The meeting day that I told you about in my last blog went well from a learning and attention perspective but from an emotional perspective I was a fucking complete mess. For some reason I worked myself up so much to get things perfect that when I crashed I crashed hard. Firstly my boss asked me to organise coffees in the morning for everyone and the lunches. That was it, not a big deal, and nothing I haven't done on way bigger scales before. But for some reason this time I completely screwed up every step I could. I forgot to pay not one but both! I ended up bawling my eyes out and having to sit in the bathroom to compose myself so the overseas reps didn't see me all messy. And I felt like every time I opened my mouth I put my foot in it. Dinner in the evening went well but I shot down a Tiramasu Martini within 5 minutes of getting there and then loosened up. Or perhaps I was just tipsy and no longer cared lol!
Then on Thursday I seemed to make mistake after mistake after mistake, it was a nightmare. By the end of the day I was ready to just walk out feeling like a complete and utter dismal failure. I know my boss was fed up with me because she was being short with me, and I totally don't blame her. So whilst on one side I have had a great week, on the other it was a complete flop of a week. But I am going to push through this, in a week I go on vacation (road trip north) so perhaps that will give me time away from stress to get used to my new medications and settle down a bit. Then I can come back with a fresh start and a refreshed attitude.
Between ADD diagnosis, a month of the flu, the onset of peri-menopause, and starting a new job, this year has been one hell of a ride. I feel like I have been through the wringer. I am stuck on an emotional roller-coaster UP and then down, spiralling around and around, upside down, right way up. All the time trying to manage a growing charity (with no experience) and manage an ongoing rock event - all outside of my full time work hours. My work colleagues all work long hours, way past what their daily requirement is, and I know they look down on me for packing up and leaving the minute my 7.5 hours is up, but I feel like I am done giving companies my blood sweat and tears, look where it got me with the last one - redundant! I will give that place my all while I am there but I am not going to hang around every day doing more hours than I am paid for just for the showing. Don't get me wrong, if i have deadlines to meet and work needs to be done I will certainly do it, but on a daily basis I have SO much to do when I get home and I look forward to doing it.
People ask me how it is I am up till midnight most nights, well, shits gotta get done and I get engrossed in it because it is my passion. I do wish tho that my last company hadn't got rid of me because all of this medical stuff would have been so much easier in an environment where everyone knew me and my capabilities, what has made this year so damn hard has been trying to push through all of this AND be in a new job - one that is harder than I have ever done before. You know what it is like being new, you want to make a good impression and show them how awesome you are, well in this job I feel like I have showed them all my worst bullshit. Perhaps i bit off more than I can chew in taking it on, but I did think it was going to be way less challenging. I want to impress people, I want to do really well at everything I do and be proud of my work. Instead I feel like I have been one fuck up after another this year. It's been hard.
In saying that, this has been far from my worst year, in fact, I still think I am having a really good life. When I compare how I feel now to how I felt in my dark years through my 20's I think it is definitely still rainbows and daisy's now. I think I just tend to not deal with the lows so well, I've always been quite the drama queen. I would have made quite the actress - fact! I just need to get through this and hope that I make right decisions and not burn bridges during times of emotional turmoil (something I am prone to). Hopefully people have a bit of understanding.
I can't wait for my holiday next week, I will be blogging daily while I am away to keep a journal of my adventures, so if you are interested in the north of WA then you might want to subscribe to my blog.
Till then, thanks so much for reading, so many people have been sms'ing me, sending PMs, emails, and telling me to my face that they love my blogs and enjoy my writing style. I would really appreciate if people would comment under the blog instead, I would enjoy storing those comments here for safekeeping and to read when I need a boost. Also feel free to suggest a topic, ask me a question, or give me some tips for future blogs. I still have a thousand topics I would love to write about, hopefully I have a chance to get to them all. Perhaps some resonate, some don't, but if one person has a bit of insight into a topic they never knew about before or learnt something that helps them understand someone else better then it is worth it. Perhaps you know someone else with ADD? I'm sure we are all different but maybe I have taught you something about what they are going through.
