Day 1 went without a hitch.
So I headed off to work having taken my tablet knowing from my trial last night that it wouldn't hurt me. I had a little meeting with my colleagues to let them know what was going on so they could understand if they notice and changes and also so they can tell me if something doesn't seem to be a positive effect (maybe I wont know). I am so glad to say I was met with understanding and at face value a lack of judgement. That made me feel better. I also spoke to the HR department in case something happens and I need understanding of where I am at. They were also great offering me support and letting me know that if my doctor suggests any changes they will liaise with him and me to accommodate that.
Fueled with the feeling that I have understanding in those directly around me, i went off to do my work.
The first thing I noticed was that I didn't think about food right up until someone said it was lunch time. If any of you know me or have lived or worked with me you will know that I eat non stop all day and all night. I normally joke that I only eat one meal a day, it just so happens to start at 10am and finish at 10pm. So I managed to get through a day quite junk food free, that's a first! Perhaps I have been using food as a distraction all this time? Maybe it is just my body getting used to a transition. Who knows.
The second thing I noticed on the train to work and home was that for the first time ever it didn't matter how much noise everyone around me made, I could facebook in peace. Normally any small sound or movement and I will look up to investigate, and then often forget what I was doing previously when i return back. Every phone ringing, every ipod sound, every sneeze, cough, and sniff, every kid shuffling, every person watching their tv series with the slightest bit of volume, and the worst is conversation, i literally can't concert rate on ANYTHING if there is a conversation around me as I want to know what they are saying. Which leads me to my next point...
The third thing I noticed was that I didn't have the urge to listen to or be involved in every conversation that happened around me. Normally if anyone in earshot is talking I will stand up and include myself. I actually had a moment today where i thought to myself "Far out, I have just worked for an hour solid and not even noticed all the conversations going on around me". It is normally a living hell for me in these modern open office plans as I am constantly hearing people around me chattering. I always thought that was just how it is. But apparently there is a way to block that out - have a normal brain! One where the orchestra conductor is actually doing his job.
I wonder if this is going to have any impact on the really frustrating issue I have where at large gatherings of people I can't hear anything anyone says to me because if there are many conversations going on around me I can never hear just one, i am always compelled to continuously zone in and out of all the conversations. I actually get rather antsy and tend to try and cut the conversation short at any given moment, it is embarrassing not having any idea what someone right in front of you is saying. I've always had my own rule that partying is for dancing, drinking, and singing, and conversations happen at small gatherings. I will never try and catch up with friends at a pub, but I will ask friends to go dancing with me at a pub. I will ask friends over for dinner or afternoon tea in my home (or theirs) if I want to listen and talk, never a restaurant, can't focus on them there. Very separate worlds. Maybe that will change?
The fourth noticeable change was that I had no compelling urge to talk (I can just hear it, a heap of people who know me saying "WHAT???" hahaha. I don't know why but I've always felt the need to break a silence or chatter on and on. But today, when there was a conversation around me that I was included in I was naturally able to talk how I always do, I just didn't break silences with needless pointless distracting natter. I wasn't aware that this was ADD, I thought I was a chatty person, I have always loved talking. Perhaps that is just my way of distracting myself from the thing I am supposed to be doing (work) and am no longer wanting to do because i have lost focus on it? Eating, talking, listening in, they are all distractions, diversions.
I didn't feel so 'road ragey' when driving in my car. I was more steady, aware, and calculated. Less erratic. But, on the negative side, I did feel very forgetful. I forgot the way to The Rosemount hotel, a road I have traveled hundreds of times, could normally do it with my eyes closed. Had absolutely no idea where to go once I was out of my driveway. Half way there it came back to me, but that was certainly strange.
I still don't feel like I have any improvement in my memory, that is something that I really hoped would change as a bad memory has been a big downfall for me all my life. Perhaps that part is me and not ADD, perhaps that is something I will just have to continue to get around with my never ending assortment of lists, alerts, alarms, notes, placement of objects, counting, reminders, lists and more lists lists lists. Maybe that will change as my treatment progresses. I am still on a trial dose, and it IS still day 1.
Tomorrow at work I have a really important day, there are reps coming from overseas to meet us and spend the day with us discussing products. We are booked in for an all morning meeting till lunch, and then for a few hours after lunch, and then going to dinner with them afterwards. This will be a huge test for me as I have always struggled in meetings, no matter how interested in them I am and no matter how brilliant and intriguing the presenter is, I just cant stay on board. I drift in and out of two worlds, the meeting itself and my own agenda in my head of a million things I have to do outside of work. I always take note pads to meetings, not so much to take notes, more to write down ideas I get in my head during a meeting. Because if I don't get it out of my head and onto paper I can't focus on anything else. And believe me, many a brilliant idea popped into my head at the most inopportune moment in time. My charity tagline #BecausePetsAreFamily was a brainstorm during a work meeting. You think it is easy to come up with a tagline? We had been thinking of one for months. And there it was, clear as day, out of nowhere between mundane weekly sales targets and budgeting. Creativity doesn't pick its moments. But when you are like me and know it could happen at any moment you are always prepared - mobile device or pen and paper.
Physically I was told I could feel some side effects, but all I really felt was a little bit like my heart felt fluttery, like when I have had a big dose of Ventolin. A bit jittery. But I didn't have the shakes like I get after Ventolin. Nothing too bad, thank goodness. I think most of all I just felt really calm, cool, collected, just like I hoped I would feel. I would like to say "more normal" but what does normal feel like? I know what it looks like, but not how it feels. I know know that there are two ways I can live, on treatment and off treatment, and they are two very different worlds. Perhaps both are normal, perhaps neither are. I don't know how I will find out. Perhaps that is something my well studied and well paid psych can tell me considering his clinic wall was literally wallpapered with degrees in just this. I wonder if he even knows? Perhaps he is not normal, maybe his high IQ has him seeing the world from a distorted perspective too? Are you normal?
This is how I explained it to someone today. If someone said to you your perspective of colour is completely wrong, how would you know what is right or wrong if that is all you have seen all your life? Maybe you have lived life thinking red was red when actually all along you were really seeing purple. No one else can give you their eyeballs to look through, so you can't figure out if only some, or all of the colours are right or wrong. No one can pass me their brain for a while to test out, so I am left with figuring this out for myself.
Well, let's see what tomorrow brings. I hope I can do well and make a good impression on the visiting guests and pay good attention to all presentations and contribute sensibly and intelligently in all the discussions. Fingers crossed.
Till then, I am in my home, my safety zone where it absolutely doesn't matter who I am or what I do, because I am loved, supported, and respected and I feel like this is my universe of happiness. I must go, I have 7 cats awaiting cuddles (4 my own, 1 foster, and 2 boarders) no idea why they call me a crazy cat lady, none at all. Adios.
