I have just taken my first ever Dexy.
No, I am not a midweek party-goer, I have just returned home from my first appointment with an ADD/HD specialist.
It was quite a fast appointment, nothing like I imagined. I thought I would be laying in one of those banana lounges having him ask me an array of really intense sounding questions and stopping to write down everything I said. It felt more like a casual chat between people meeting at a dinner party, where do you work, how long are you married, any kids, where have you worked in the past, how did you get into the position you hold at work now, etc. Only at the end of a dinner party they don't ask you to pee in a jar and send you home with a script.
It was a kinda obvious thing once we started chatting, he asked me why I felt I have ADD and I told him. He asked me to bring my school reports with me and I had a little look through them last night before packing them and i was absolutely dumbstruck at the pattern of dysfunction that stood out like dogs balls from the first page of report in year one to the last one in year 12:
Tammy does not listen
Tammy does not concentrate
Tammy would be a top student if only she would apply herself
Tammy needs to focus on her work instead of talking
Tammy enjoys the attention of others - sometimes too much!
Tammy needs to apply herself
Tammy is intelligent but lazy
Tammy needs to learn to not upset her peers by speaking out
Tammy needs to work harder
Tammy tends to give up if she can't do something rather than trying
I know, sounds brutal, but that is what is written. Even the doc said 'Gee, they don't write reports like that anymore!" He asked me why my mum never got me any help, and not that I know much but I do remember her trying to get me some help and being pushed back by the school. No one knew about ADD back then, you were just a lazy, inattentive, distracted, attention seeking kid. I know my mum tried to have me kept down in school but they refused her, she knew I was struggling with the work and maturity wise against peers but she didn't know why or how to fix it. The school insisted keeping me down was not the answer. Maybe they were wrong, maybe they were right. Too late now. ADD wasn't even a 'thing' then. No one knew.
By the end of the 90's everyones kid seemed to have it, All the naughty kids anyway. This is where I built up my judgement about it thinking it was just a lazy mums replacement for discipline. It was always the dysfunctional households whose kids had it. And so my opinion of ADD was that it was some new fad created to subdue naughty kids. In the 90's I was in my 20's and in a dark cloud of depression anyways, so I was in a selfish bubble of self and all I cared about was how damn shitty my life was and how I wished it would end, I wasn't of the mind to look into other conditions. Was this an end product of a lifetime of dysfunction and being told I am not capable? I don't know. I'm no psych. I went to a few psychs, and they told me a big fat nothing as well, for the money I paid I could have bought a few bottles of Southern Comfort to wash my prozac down with and felt way better than I did after a chat with any of them. Thank goodness todays session was a lot more productive.
What changed my mind was a chat to a really nice bloke I used to work with, he was the sweetest and most reliable guy, lots of integrity and a strong work ethic. I used to watch him take on a great deal of stressful work during a time that our workload was dramatically increasing, we were two staff short, there were major changes to the product range we were working on, and he sailed through it all with a cool, calm, dignity. He never lost his shit, he was everything I was not and everything I would like to be. I told him about my struggles, he confided in me that he was ADD and he said it sounded a lot like his struggles before diagnosis. He was diagnosed as an adult, and admitted that during this time of high pressure he had had to adjust his meds a bit but they helped him get through the work. He was not some pinging druggie, nor was he some bratty misfit, he was a normal functional, respectable gentleman. This was the first time I had a changed view on ADD and I finally considered that this could be a real thing, it could be me. It wasn't till now that I realised getting the help was essential not optional, I can truly feel like my work is severely affected and my success or failure at this job is going to rely on my being able to sort this out. If I can't sort this out my only option is going to be to find a different job.
So, I am now diagnosed. Now I am being treated. But I am really worried about how the next few weeks will pan out. Luckily I have two weeks of work then I am on vacation so i have some time off work to level myself out if things are scary or go badly.
I would say the first tablet has now been absorbed. He said it was fast acting.
I don't know, what do you think? Do I seem different? Am I making sense? Am I still Tammy? I know the cat sitting on my lap thinks I am and perhaps that is all that matters. I do know that the loving little glance and hand grab my hubby gave me in the doctors office when Doc started talking treatment reassured me that no matter what happens I have one person on my side, through thick and thin. One person and four cats. That little gesture is the absolute world - he really nailed it. He's a good sort, my Hubby, I do love him 'infinity times infinity'. I just hope that those in my workplace and in my social life can persevere with me during the next few weeks and be a bit understanding, and not judge me (like I have perhaps wrongly judged so many others in the past). Perhaps there will be nothing to judge, perhaps I will be a much better person and a lot more likeable? In that case, I thank anyone and everyone who stuck by me all these years gone by. I know I am not easy. I do wish I wasn't so difficult, i do try to improve. It's not easy.
I will check in from time to time to let you know how I go. Some blogs will be about this but other days I have completely different things to talk about, remember this is my journal more than anything so the topic is whatever is on my mind.
I do appreciate the amount of people who have told me they love my writing style. I'm not often told that I do anything well, so to be told that by a number of people really helps me believe that maybe they could be right. I didn't realise I had a 'style', I just write my thoughts down and write them how I think them. I hope my treatment and transformation doesn't negatively affect that.
The doc gave me a really easy to understand analogy of what ADD is.
He said "ADD is like there is an orchestra in your head, and the conductor is not working so your musicians are all off playing their own thing. The treatment you are about to begin with help that conductor start to work and pull all your musicians into line so what they play is coordinated and makes sense"
Hopefully my little conductor does a good job when he wakes up, he's been asleep long enough
I do know this much, it took me half an hour to write this, past blogs have taken 5 hrs to 3 days! LOL
:)