So Yesterday I posted my very first Blog and I mentioned that I am about to go through a new and exciting change in my life. I thought I'd better tell you about that tonight.
For around 11 years I have strongly suspected that I might have an Attention Deficit type disorder. My first signs were when I started my first 'big girl' job as a Data Entry processor for an Insurance Company. I knew all my life that I was very slow to learn and sometimes it took me a hell of a lot longer, more training, and more repeated attempts than the average person to pick things up. In fact when i went to job interviews I would tell them this, so they were aware that if they took me on they would have a great worker on their hands but it might take a little more effort in the early days to get me there. This new position made it so clear to me that I really struggled to stay focused on the work and to pay attention during training and learning exercises and meetings. Previous to this job I had always just assumed myself 'stupid' and just a bit of a slow learner.
Getting older and a bit wiser I found out that I wasn't as 'stupid' as I had always thought. I landed a brilliant opportunity as a support role to a Product Designer team. There I had the most amazing manager anyone could ever wish for and the most wonderful team of people who spent a lot of time, patience, and persistence in training me up to do my role. From the start I spent many hours in the toilets crying wondering why they had hired me and feeling like never in a million years could I get this role let alone excel in it, but in time piece by piece, day by day little tiny pieces of the puzzle started fitting together and things got easier and new knowledge was retained. I think the 5 years I spent in this team will forever be the most poignant of my career. Not only did I learn new work skills but I learnt a phenomenal amount of things about my capabilities, my work style (Thanks Emma for the most powerful two lessons I could ever be taught: DISC and Emotional Intelligence), how to work smartly with others, I learnt confidence in myself, I learnt my strengths and weaknesses, best of all I learnt that weaknesses are not bad things they are just things to be aware of and work on, and a million non work related life lessons too. I think that team of three very smart gentlemen will forever be in my gratitude list and I will always hold them in the highest esteem with the greatest of respect. Not a day goes by where I don't use a skill that they taught me, be it at work or in my relationships or in running my charity.
Anyways... i digress... (sorry, this will happen often lols)
What became more apparent to me as I realised I wasn't 'stupid' and I actually had some awesome skills and smarts to tap into, was what held me back for all these years. It was a severe lack of focus, concentration, and attention. When I am being taught you have about 3 minutes of my intense attention to teach me what I need to know and after that all I hear is 'Blah Blah Blah..." and my brain has wandered off on some fascinating little adventure outside the window or in my strange room of thought collections.
You could be telling me the most important and interesting thing in the world and I (after a few minutes) would be thinking about how "that toast I ate last night was really tasty but would have been so much better with crunchy peanut butter. Oh, that reminds me, I need to stop at the shop on the way home to get peanut butter. I wonder if they have Dick Smith Peanut Butter, i like that it supports a cause. Speaking of causes, I have to remember to ask my team of vollies in my charity if they can start collecting prizes for the raffle for the event in two weeks. I cant wait for that event, I should book a hair appointment to dye my hair so it looks nice for that event oh and when I get home tonight I should find my name badge because last event I couldn't find it. I should ask my hubby when I get home if he will whippersnipper the yard so it looks nice for the meeting I am hosting in a week. That reminds me, I need to go to Bunnings and get some potting mix so I can pot that new plant in the yard so it is not hanging around all straggly when the meeting takes place as it could be an outdoor one. I love that Bunnings now have ZIP pay because then I can buy more shit, oh, I need to go online and up my ZIP pay repayments..." get the drift? *shudders* And then after all that the person training me looks at me after talking to me for 25 minutes and says "Did you get that?" and I am too ashamed to say no.
Some of my other frustrations: no concept of time, if I am not interested in something I find it almost impossible to complete it or stay at it, I cant talk to or listen to people in group situations where there is music and or other conversations going on, I never think before I speak and normally blurt out the first thing that comes into my head (which has gotten me into SO much trouble over the years lols) , I have a terrible memory to the point that it is excruciatingly embarrassing when I am caught out forgetting people and facts. Just last week I did a training course with a lovely guy I work with. We sat next to each other all day. That night I went out partying in Northbridge with my hubby and I bumped into this guy. I knew in my head that there was familiarity but for the life of me had no idea where I knew him from or what his name was. I made a quick joke about how drunk I was and made a lucky escape, but in reality i was utterly ashamed that I had already forgotten this lovely young gentleman already.
So the actual exciting part of all this is that I never before had the means to explore this as I couldn't afford a specialist. I didn't want to be mucking around with anyone second rate as this is my head we are messing with after all so I never wanted to opt for cheaper alternatives. With my new cool job I now have the means to see the specialist and get tested and diagnosed. My first appointment is October 7 and I am literally jumping out of my skin at the thought that I might soon be on my way to learning new techniques to deal with my shortfalls and perhaps even trialing medications that might improve my life.
With all the projects I have on at the moment I am a bundle of hyperactivity and excitement and my brain is going ten to the dozen constantly but what this means is that there are a load of great ideas that get started but they have a tendency to be pushed to the side when things get a little difficult or because I shift my focus when I am at a bump in the road. I really just want the ability to focus on the one thing I am doing at a time and do it really well. All my life I have been labeled as lazy as i don't finish things that I have lost interest in or i will rush through them and offer up some half-arsed crap effort just to close it off and move onto something more fun and new. I want to be able to absorb all the things people are suggesting and teaching me and I would love more than anything to see all of my projects through to the end so that they can achieve all the things I know they should.
People note that I am often facebooking at 1am on a weeknight and ask me how I can be up so late. Well, this is when all my brilliant thoughts come to me as I am not weighed down with doing other things so I am often swept up in writing things down and what should be an 11pm bed time ends up in the wee hours because I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't get it all done first.
Anyways, I wanted to start writing about how all these things make me feel and how it affects me because I am hoping in a few months this will be a distant memory as I will be functioning so efficiently :) It will be great to have something to reflect on to see how far I have come. And if anyone is reading this, perhaps you have a loved one or a friend with this condition and you have gotten an insight into what this does to them and what part is the condition versus what part is actually their personality.
It isnt all positive. I do have some fears plaguing me.
But that is a blog for another night.
I think I have kept you long enough.
This blog is dedicated to Leroy, Sheldon, and James. Thank you from the depths of my heart. You have no idea how much you all mean to me and how much I miss our team.
