Amid the whirlwind year 2019 has been I've just had one of those rare moments to myself to reflect and also realise that it is nearly the end of yet another decade! Holy shit, another decade????
I still feel like only yesterday I was in Pam Holmes's Morley backyard celebrating the year 2000 decade in, with a whole big bunch of people who (as dear as they were to me) are a part of what feels like another persons life, not my own. I don't even feel like I am that person from back then physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. The things that were so important to me back then are not even existing thoughts anymore. Funny how that happens. I still think dearly of that crowd but they are a part of who I was, not who I am now. I think they played a massive part in my evolution and self discovery, and even when a few years ago I tried to reconnect and it kinda failed miserably, I think that was due to my never really having fit in with them in the first place and my life now being so different to theirs. Sometimes being a nice person is not enough to make someone your friend, you need a true soul connection, and I feel we never really had that, as hard as I tried for many years. It is weird to reflect back on those times, the "Abbett street crowd", the wonderful Holmes family who I admired so much, the endless parties and singalongs, me being in my 20's and mixing the experimentation of life experiences with that desperate need to find yourself and your purpose, depending on others to justify your value, searching for acceptance, being really messed up and not knowing why, generally going through a horrible phase of really rock bottom levels of self-respect, respect for others, self value, desire to exist, and looking to go from party to party because for those hours where you are drinking and singing and dancing you feel like you are happy. But then the party always ends.
*shakes head* Well, that reminisce took me to a place I wasn't expecting. Lets get back to better times, lets get back to 2019.
Everything has a reason. That group of people are the reason I met Hobbit. So if nothing else, that was likely the fate of my connection to them. Funnily enough, there is also the coincidence that they are also linked to the home I now love and enjoy calling my own. Go figure!
I think I have finally learnt that life is a constant lesson. I reckon that if you asked a 99 year old sitting in an old age home if they learnt something new about themselves that day they likely would say yes. Wouldn't it be so much better if we got to a point at some stage or another where you could honestly say "Well, I now know everything there is to know about myself, I have figured it all out, now I can just move on to living life with understanding and knowledge". This year I have definitely learnt a lot about myself and the best part is that I can apply those newfound revelations to life in 2020 as I slowly uncover new ones.
2019 was my year of realising my strengths. This is a great thing mainly because to be honest I never thought I had any. Blogging was a fantastic way to learn one of those, I was really flattered to hear so many people tell me that I have a natural flair for emotive writing, for expressing things in a way that captures the audience and reels them in, and I was even told that I use a language that belongs to the past (a romance with expressive wording that you don't see much anymore now in a modern era which is all about shortening everything). To get feedback from people who are important family members, friends, even other writers, that is really powerful. They don't have to say anything. If they read it and didn't like it they could slink off without saying a word, so I know that for someone to say something they are taking the time to be encouraging and for once in my life I am taking that on board and really fueling my confidence with that. So if it was you who has said something, please realise just how far your words took me, and know how grateful I am.
Revelation: I have a flair for writing.
I started my new job, and that was the most difficult thing I have done in many years. After 10 years in my previous job and being kicked to the kerb with a redundancy, I had to start all over again with no friend connections, no leave accrual, no security, no idea of what I was doing, no sense of loyalty, no passion for what I was doing, and not much help from a couple of HUGE health issues (the onset of Peri-Menopause and all the emotional turbulence that brings, and the long awaited diagnosis of ADD). Twice I tried to quit, and twice my very smart and insightful manager convinced me to stay and see out my 6 month trial period. I didn't expect to be made permanent with all the shit I put them through, but they did, and I didn't expect that I would be here a few days shy of my 1 year anniversary of starting there saying that now I actually really love my job. There is so much to be said for how your physical health can affect your whole ability to function, but thankfully I persisted and finally got answers. As my health issues got treated, my ability to learn greatly increased. I am not talking about a bit, I am talking about a LOT! Previously to my treatment for ADD most of what my team had taught me about the new job was just a jumbled mess floating about in my head like pieces of a puzzle that simply didn't fit together. Seriously within a few weeks of treatment it all just fell into place and 10 months of training came crashing down and somehow made sense. I even remembered things that were taught to me 6 months prior and applied them. It wasn't that I had a bad memory all these years, I just didn't have that function in my brain that organises it all so that the information is useful. So here I am now sailing along, doing my best, enjoying the work, making new friendships (partly because I am not an emotional wreck all the time, but also because I opened myself to the prospect), and for once in my life having confidence in my abilities as a product developer. There were a few times I had heated discussions with my manager as she figured out how to get the best out of me and realised that you can't manage many people the same way, that I responded better to a different style of management than the other person in the team. I am so grateful to her for being open to adjusting, how many managers do you come across where it is their way or the highway. I think that is her strength, and we now work really well together, she knows how to get the best out of me. I waited all my life to feel that, like I was doing my job well! At the tender age of 46 I now know it wasn't my lack of intelligence or ability, it was just an undiagnosed disorder blocking all the other things that were waiting to flourish, and more recently it was my topsy turvy hormones making a mess of me. Revelation: I am good at my job!
The peri-menopause thing was a bloody mess. It was drawn out WAY longer than it should have been. I felt changes in my body mid in 2018 and being someone who doesn't ignore intuition I went to my GP and voiced my concerns only to be dismissed and shut down. "You are too young for menopause". I went to a few different GP's, asking for a hormone blood test and asking to chat about the possibility of menopause, but all refused the blood test telling me it was inconclusive anyways. All of them just asked "What age was your mum?" to which I could only answer what she had told me which was mid 50's. This just made them dismiss me further "You have a while to go".
*I have to admit, I don't think my mum has the same emotional self-awareness that I have. My thoughts are that tho she many have gone through menopause at 55, she was likely peri-menopausal for a LONG time previous to that without realising. Having a few big upheavals in her life through those years, my guess is that she wrote off her emotional turmoil as simply reactions to life events and not bodily changes. I do remember her telling everyone that menopause came to her suddenly, with very little warning or symptoms, but I don't think she understands just how much of her emotional state was projected outwardly, so although she didn't see it, we all sure did! We just didn't know what it was. I feel bad about that, if we had of known we could have been more understanding and less judgemental/aggro. This is why I feel it important for people to be open about these things, just telling someone about what you are going through creates understanding.
And still the changes continued. The menstral irregularity, maybe only a few days here and there but never the less these were irregularities I had never had before, the change in my emotional state, the puffy feet (fluid retention), suddenly not being able to wear high heels like I used to, I knew something was amiss. My Nanna passed away of what they suspect was ovarian cancer. So it was important to me that someone listen to my concerns. A lovely friend suggested I just get a referral to a gyno which i did and that proved to be the best thing I ever did. Straight away she listened to me, did tests & scans, and confirmed that I was indeed peri-menopausal. She listened to my concerns about the hormonal fluctuations sending me back into my battle with depression, it straining my relationship with my wonderful husband, and decaying my work relations and personal friendships. This is serious stuff! She discussed a few options and between us I tried a treatment plan of HRT patches. This proved to be SO life changing. Suddenly my irrational emotionally charged unpredictable brain was pulled back into line and I could think straight again. That fixed my emotional and mental issues, but the physical issues of my increasingly heavy and long periods were worsening. The last two I had were 6 weeks long and so ridiculously painful and heavy that i had accidents at work bleeding through clothing, and through the gigantic maternity pads I was wearing. I even had to have an iron infusion to replace all my depleted blood levels. So my lovely gyno gave me some surgical options, one being ablation, which i booked in and had. Problem solved! No more periods ever again. I wish I did this 20 years ago. Thankfully I am now travelling well with my patches, being monitored by my gyno, and will likely sail into menopause with graceful ease.
Revelation: I have an intuitive connection with my body, and menopause doesn't have to be a bad experience.
With the clarity of mind that comes from hormonal stability, I uncovered further struggles that I had for many years suspected and kept sweeping under the carpet. ADD. I have gone into my struggles with this in other blogs so I wont go too much into it here (if you are interested you can read back) except to say that finally being confirmed as having it and starting treatment was again a massive life changing experience. So many things that used to be so difficult to me are now pleasurable and easy. It is mind blowing to think how I got through life to this point with the mess that was my brain previously, but holy shit how strong was I to push on through that mess and get myself to where I am! Man, the fact that I coped all this time with my warped malfunctioning brain, had I known what it felt like to be 'normal' there is no way I would have put off seeking help.
Revelation: I am not stupid, nor am I lazy, selfish, or thoughtless. Treated for ADD I am intelligent, motivated, hard working, and thoughtful.
My charity, Perth Veterinary Bill Assistance, had a huge year throughout 2o19. Still now, on the last few days of the year, I am working on managing big changes and oversee the growth of what started out as a little idea, a fleeting thought, evolve into a charity that strangers in the street now recognise and loyally support. Do you know how overwhelming (in a good way) that is? To have someone you don't know give you their hard earned money with the trust that you are going to use it in a way that they will be proud of. I know that when I donate to a cause I make bloody sure it is reputable, legit, and one I personally align with on a moral and ethical basis. That so many people every day give to PVBA makes me grow from strength to strength hoping that I am positively representing all the loyal followers in what I do so they will feel proud of what they are a part of. This year saw the resignation of two people I thought I couldn't function without, my secretary and my treasurer. Two beautiful hearted kind people who definitely played a huge part in getting PVBA to where it is now, so much more than just me fumbling around without any experience in running an organisation, making it an official body with policies, structure, legal requirements met, and reporting responsibilities achieved. Having found a new secretary I am now going through the process of finding a new treasurer and I have to say I never in a million years thought I would find one - let alone be spoilt for choice! I have been flooded with applicants and actually am struggling to choose from all the quality people I have met so far. Now, may the gods strike me dead for my judgement and assumptions, but I have always thought that accountants were a money driven mob with little else in mind other than making money and making money. So when I posted an add for an experienced accountant to take over the books for PVBA I expected crickets chirping and months of waiting. Within hours of posting the add my inbox was flooded! Most of them understood this to be a volunteer position for a very small animal charity. So wish me luck as I go through a few more weeks of interviews and questions, I have a huge decision on my hands and I really hope I make the right one for not only the progression and growth of PVBA, but also for the continued positive dynamic of our team. So far we have always been a really united and good blend of people, i hope our new person meshes in well and lifts us to new heights with good ideas and efficient reporting. 2020 goals for PVBA include unrolling a means of income (selling products), achieving DGR status so donations are tax deductible, and going public. I want to make sure that all of WA know we exist, be that via a TV Radio or News Site article, or through the affiliation of influencers, but whatever way it happens I really want it to happen and soon, the time is right, the planets are aligned, and I am physically and emotionally ready for this to go next level. Revelation: Good help is out there, I just have to ask for it. I am not alone.
My proudest achievement of the whole year, and one that is my 'funnest' project, is the creation of Rock n Metal Revival. This is my newest baby. Being a childfree by choicer, some people make claim to replacement babies (things that consume your life like raising a child normally would): travel, gathering of wealth/property, expensive collectibles, pets, etc. Not me my babies are projects. One being PVBA (my first born child) and the newest addition to our happy family is Rock n Metal Revival. Although this was a planned pregnancy and one that I wanted for many years, it was one I actually never thought would happen. You know when you say yo yourself "Id really love to do *insert dream here* someday" but you never think it will happen because it is such a far fetched notion you assume it is beyond your capacity. Well for years I had been wanting to do this, corrections WE had been wanting to do this. We being my hubby and I. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away we used to hang out at an awesome rock joint called The Rocket Room in Northbridge. They had an annual event created by a then friend, Perry, called LA Xmas. It was our favourite event of the year, it took place in December, ALL our friends would go, and it was a collection of heavy metal and rock bands playing musical tribute to the glam metal era of the 80's Sunset Strip scene in LA. Man, so many good memories made at those events. But as time went on we noticed the venue organisers enthusiasm dying out, things like bands being put on that were a far cry from the theme, late marketing (sometimes only a week or two before the actual event) and lack of advertising. This led to dwindling numbers and eventually as the venue closed down the end of the event all together. Hobbit and I had always discussed with each other how we would like to take over organisation of the event and revive it to its former glory, but fuel its growth with our passion and enthusiasm, and our respect for the music genre it hailed. Randomly we chatted to my brother who was running the perfect venue (across the road from the previous one) and contacted Perry to see if he was interested in reviving it and finally with about 9 months of planning we made it happen! We changed the name to make it cover a broader array of music, we got the logos and marketing material put together, found three wonderful bands to play, and held our first gig in July 2019. I think the most spectacular moment in my life was watching that venue fill up with way more people than i expected and watching those people totally having a blast to music I had influenced to be there, and an atmosphere that I had contributed to creating. We fucking did it!!! The weird part was that our crowd wasn't any of the previous LA Xmas folk we were hoping for, not sure where they disappeared to, but our crowd were a sea of new faces and that was great too. Our 2nd gig was in December 2019, and that was also a big success. I think the fact that these events support PVBA, give like minded folk a reason to gather together in worship of a music genre that has always created a loyal bond among its fans, and are a reflection of partly my careful organising, marketing, and strategy, gives me a HUGE sense of accomplishment and so much enthusiasm to keep working at it, planning, and see what heights I can help take it to. Already planning the July and Decmber 2020 gigs - stay tuned folks.
Revelation: I have event coordination and marketing skills that need to be further explored and developed - bring it on!
2019 saw the loss of my babycat, Winky. I have to say that was a profound experience, one I intuitively knew was coming, but was trying to reject the notion of because I simply didn't want to accept that it was going to happen. When there is this little life who is a part of your life and who is your responsibility for 18 years and suddenly he is gone, you certainly realise that pets sure are part of your family. A loss of a pet is not dissimilar to the loss of a family member. Again, having heavily blogged my way through that experience, I dont want to recap too much, if you wish to read more about that, please check out my past blogs. What I do want to say about that is I am definitely very motivated by the outpouring of lovely messages of support from people who had read my blog. I was also blown away by friends and family who told me how much they enjoyed my writing style. My blog about losing Winky was the most read blog of all, I am proud of it, but I don't think I can read it - not now. Not while the loss is still so raw and so recent. One day.
Revelation: I am a logical thinker and cope very well when tragedy strikes, I am proud of my ability to recover and appreciate the blessings rather than dwell on my losses.
Our annual pilgrimage up north was an amazing adventure. Again, having blogged the hell out of that I do not want to go on too much here as you can read back and get a full account (if you haven't already). But I want to note that my 2019 year of revelations definitely had things in store for this vacation. I was definitely surprised at myself when it came to doing some rock climbing that previously I don't think I would have dared. I really stepped out of my comfort zone and pushed myself, with big rewards too, we saw some absolutely stunning places and experienced the most beautiful vacation ever. I can still close my eyes and imagine that I am back in the gorge at Kalbarri National Park, listening to the trickle of water as it cascades down the rock into the slow running stream, the trees rustling in the gentle breeze, the birds chirping, the frogs croaking, and the echo of our voices as we chatted and had our lunch all alone in the canyon. What a day. I wont forget that in a hurry. The experience of seeing the hundreds of sharks swimming along the coastline of Shark Bay after having climbed the big cliff face to look down over the waters edge, magic! You don't see that much in a lifetime. The tours we did with our treasured brother from another mother, Capes, and all the new things we learned about traditional Australian culture and the land itself. I learnt that Hobbit is an exceptional driver when suddenly met with an Emu with a death wish. I also learnt that Hobbit is great at finding obscure little camping spots and towns all the way along the coast when driving back from Denham to Perth. Lots of places to go back to, that's for sure. I was reminded that Hobbit is the very best travel buddy I could ever wish for, and I also learnt what it takes to get him chatting and socialising down at the local pub (something he normally avoids). I learnt that even in a town with only one street of stores, I can still spend all day shopping, and come home with a loot. Revelation: I can do it if I put my mind to it!
I am never for one minute forgetting that Hobbit & I are very lucky to have such a vibrant, trusting, and fun relationship that always seems to shine. Even at our random low points it is so much higher than any other relationship I have ever experienced. I thank my lucky stars for the day I met him and for the day I woke up to myself to let him into my heart. 2019 is my 12th year of being blessed with him in my life, and I have to say that has certainly flown by. He has certainly given me the encouragement and freedom I need to be who I want to be and do what I want to do and that has helped me become a better person and grow from strength to strength. Don't get me wrong, there is times where he frustrates the hell out of me (He is SO stuck in his routines, stubborn in some areas, and so damn set in some of his ways) but I am pretty sure if he was to write a blog about my faults he would end up with a War & Peace sized novel so I definitely not going to complain and am going to graciously accept that if that is the absolute worse thing about him I am seriously pretty bloody lucky! I think what amazes me daily is that we've made it this far with such ease and so much fun along the way. Having always been told that "relationships are hard work, marriage is constant work..." I previously accepted second rate relationships as functional because that is what i believed as 'normal'. But now I am in a truly functional one I no longer believe that marriage is hard work, in fact, i believe a good marriage is the easiest thing in life which is a blessing because the rest of life can be so bloody hard at times and who needs more hard work when you come home! I sure don't, i need peace and serenity.
Revelation: 8 years in - Marriage is still great fun!
Well, I think having wrapped up the main things, here are a few other events and things that made 2019 memorable:
- MAFS at Greater Union with Tanya - hilarious and so much fun (albeit corny!)
- Trying to Jag the Joker at Baysie Pub - and actually getting picked then crying when I lost!
- Lots of gardening successes and a few failures. Lets not talk about Vanilla Bean Plants.
- A very cool garden bench renno! Well done Jayson, Dave, and Nick.
- Loads of fabulous finds from op shopping adventures. Especially my Leopard Jacket -LOVE!
- Some very treasured moments catching up with overseas and overeast rellies. I have to say that my very long and in depth talk with my beautiful cousin Angela brought about many revelations and unexpectedly a lot of peace I didn't think I would ever achieve. Hanging out with Ian & Helen, Juanita, Glo & Eddy, these are such wonderful people I am so lucky to have in my family. Great times. Especially hope to go out partying again with Juan.
- We hosted some fantastic parties this year. SO lucky to have a great bunch of people who we call friends (which really are more like family). Great memories!
- HBF crew catch ups. Lovely to see some of my old crew again and remember the old days and hear the new goss. Tanya, Ngaio, Lynn, Lisa, Kim, love you xxx
- Reuniting with past friends: Leiza Azdajich, and Kelly Alexander, two gems I cherish.
- Saw some brilliant gigs: Ultimate 80's Fluro Party at the Charles (with Dale Ryder), The Kaper reunion gig, Eruption, Gunners, Hair Metal Heaven, saw 2019 in with Absolute 80's.
- Got a karcher (something I had wanted for 3 years) and it was FREE. YAY.
- So much online shopping, thanks to my new job and a pay increase
- An absolute bundle of foster and boarding cats coming and going through our doors
- A great crop in the Veggie Patch
- Finally getting Hobbit his replacement wedding ring
- Being invited to parliament house to the Saving Lives event for animal welfare workers
What do I i know so far about what 2020 has in store for me?
Well, it is definitely going to be a fantastic year, I know this already!
We are really looking forward to our trip to Melbourne in February to cross off a Bucket List item which is seeing WHITESNAKE in concert! Not only that, we have the very best tickets available so we will be up front and centre in the standing zone to dance. I am really looking forward to seeing Melbourne for the first time. I mostly want to see the Victoria Markets, the DFO centre, do a day of chasing all the 2nd hand shops, a day of just pure clothes and shoes shopping (I aim to have more bags than Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman), and I also would like to see the Zoo and the Aquarium. We also have two Saturday nights there to spend nightclubbing.
PVBA is going to go off! I expect the workload to increase but I also expect to see the rewards of that labour coming in.
Rock n Metal Revival should be great, I have high hopes of increasing that door entry number each time and expect that every time I learn more and more to make it better and better. Booked July 18th at The Boston already and will set the December date shortly after.
I would like to get some home rennos done such as completing the shelving project in our theatre room and possibly new bedroom furniture.
I wouldn't mind finding my Gilbert.
Most of all, I hope to remain happy, healthy, and prosperous. I also wish this for all the people in my life that I love & like. The ones I don't like can bugger off. Yep, I am an evil biatch and enjoy a good showing of comeuppance. I don't ask to be forgiven for that, just don't maliciously piss me off is all ;)
Cheers to you and your family, your pets, your home, your job, your health, your emotional wellbeing, making well calculated decisions, and cheers to a new decade.
2020
Where the fuck did all that time go??? Wasn't it just yesterday I was seeing in the new Millennium in Pams backyard?
Party Hard & Happy new Year xxx
P:S: I would love for you to tell me in a comment below what your biggest revelation for 2019 is. Feel free to share.
