What a whirlwind these last couple of weeks have been.
We got home from vacation on Saturday November 3rd and Winky threw up blood that night. We had noticed him looking skinny and he was already being treated for arthritis and Kidney disease stage 2 but this was something new.
We took him to his vet on the Monday as we wanted him to be treated by the best team in Perth and Perth Cat Hospital was definitely the best. Over the next few days he had scans and this showed up enlarged lymph glands and a thickened intestinal wall indicating cancer. As if that news didnt send me into a gut-wrenching spin already, we then find out that it is not treatable and we are talking palliative care.
What? OK, so how long have we got? We are talking months.
He has insurance, can't we do anything?
It is a matter of just keeping him comfortable.
So his care plan began. Pain relief, prednisolone, vitamin B12, Potassium, Anti-nausea, Appetite stimulants, as well as his arthritis meds. I felt like a live in nurse and it seemed I was forever trying to jam something down his throat. Not fun!
Thankfully through it all, we still had our precious couch cuddles, he still slept on my pillow every night, he still looked at me with the loving loyal eyes, even when I sang to him "loving you is easy coz you're beautiful...." he still looked at me lovingly - most likely because he is deaf lols, he still purred while we cuddled, his favourite pass-time of tearing apart boxes piece by piece was enjoyed today, and he still strolled about the house and followed me around the yard enjoying his surrounds. To me, that is most important, that is quality of life.
Then this week, Monday 18th, I got a great call from the clinic saying that the vet team had gone over his records and felt like he would respond well to a treatment of chemo medication combined with upping the dose of prednisolone. This treatment had given cats with his condition anywhere from 6 months to 3 years of quality life, slowing the cancer down.
Hope.
Hope is a really strong emotion. When you suddenly get some where you had none, you feel like you just won lotto. It is a gift from the gods, it cant be bought and it cant be faked, it is the most wonderful gift you can be given. I suddenly felt a little better. I still knew he was not curable, and I also was being realistic about his age and the ailments he suffered, but to maybe get 6 quality months at least from him would be brilliant.
I raced to the vet Tuesday and got his new drugs and added them to his long list of things to administer. This one came with a lot more protocols of safety whilst handling, but I didn't care, anything was worth a try. I briefly mentioned that I had noticed he was breathing funny, and I had taken a video of it, and they said to send it to them to see. I did that, and they said definitely make an appointment and bring him down to check it out.
Today, Wednesday was a long day at work as I had some over east suppliers here to meet the team and spend the day in our office, and then there was a dinner afterwards. I got home from dinner at 8ish and hubby pointed out that Winkys breathing was still bad. I started to phone my mum to see if she could take him to the vet in the morning while we were at work but while we were talking on the phone I studied him and it looked a lot worse than before. So i bit the bullet and decided he needed to go to emergency then and there.
We tried to pop him into his cage for transport and he went into severe gagging spasms, gasping for breath, making choking sounds, and tongue hanging out. His little nose pumping in and out like he was flaring his nostrils to try and get more air in. I was so traumatised, i have never felt so helpless in my life, all I could think of was taking him to the vet was going to kill him, but not taking him to the vet was going to kill him. What an awful feeling. I decided to take him to the vet but not in the cage, I sat him on my lap and hubby drove. He peed on my lap on the way, but I didn't even care, I just wanted him to remain calm and breathe.
I made hubby go into the vet and get him admitted so I could sit in the car with him and not stress him out in a clinic waiting room. The nurse shortly after came out and helped me get him into the clinic. She was very kind and took him straight out the back to begin emergency treatment, putting him in an oxygen tent and administering pain relief to keep him calm and comfortable. We expected to be there hours but relatively quickly the vet came out and explained that he had been scanned and the outcome was that he was in the midst of heart failure. He had fluid around his heart, around his lungs, and in his plural cavity. The vet said normally they have fluid in one area, not all three. It is commonly caused by heart disease. He had been reported as having a heart murmur through his senior examinations. So what can we do?
I was hoping to hear otherwise, but the options for treatment were quite dismal. With his having stage 2 kidney disease, any medications will exacerbate that, then there is the cancer, and then there is the fact that he is 18. Everything was going against us. I seriously considered putting him on fluid reduction meds but then my biggest worry was that while he was in the vet clinic overnight on these meds he would die all alone in a strange place without us around. I felt very strongly that i didn't feel he would make it through the night, not in his weakened condition, not with all the other stuff going on. So my only option was to put him to sleep. So we did that.
The vet team at PVE were exceptionally lovely, I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their good counsel, their expert manner in handling us, the accounts and procedures, and in their ability to manage a business aspect without skipping a beat with the empathetic side as well. It is a tough job, I know first hand, and this is a really difficult part of it. They gave us the room and brought Winky out, they told us to take as much time with him as we liked and gave us a bell to press when we were ready. We both gave him pats, kisses on the head (his favourite thing in life was always head kisses, he would nudge his head onto your lips while we sat watching TV asking for kisses), and talking to him (despite his always being deaf we still always spoke to him). He looked so fine, but we knew that was just the pain relief as his pupils were really dilated and he was looking a little spacey.
Deciding to push that buzzer is so hard. Am I doing the right thing, I want another minute with him, and then another, and then another, and perhaps a couple more. To be honest I want another year or 5 with him. how long can I stay in this room? I may be covered in pee and looking like death warmed up but I would happily spend the rest of my life in that room if it meant more time with him.
Pushed the buzzer. Fuck it. Fuck that fucking buzzer, I hate it. I wish I could smash it with a mallet.
The vet came into the room holding the needles. I wish they were for me instead, then I wouldn't have to live with what I know I will be going through the next few months, years. My hubby sat in front of him so he was able to see him, I leaned over the table and kept my hand under his chin to support his head, and all the while I kissed his head and stroked his chin, his two favourite calming loving things in life. As the needle plunger was pushed, I watched those eyes get dazed and felt his little head get heavy. I could feel that precious little darlings life drift away from me.
If you have ever seen the movie Steel Magnolias, and remember the moment at Shelbys funeral where her mum (played by the exceptional actress, Sally Field) totally loses her shit. There was one line there where she says "I was there when that beautiful creature came into this world, and I was there when she left it, it was the most precious moment of my entire life". Well, I can't put it any better than that. To be with an animal in their last breaths of life is truly the most precious moment and a very big personal privilege, to be there and support them. I have no idea what he was feeling or thinking, I think the pain relief was giving some skewed results, but I know in my heart that how we did this was a hell of a lot better than letting him go naturally where he would most likely be in a lot more pain, possibly feeling like he was drowning and suffocating (imagine the panic that would evoke) and quite possibly be alone if we were asleep or at work. I think we did what was best for him. Not just tonight, but his whole life.
Winky has been with me since he was 6 months of age. I brought him home from my days work at the Cat Haven, and he instantly bonded with his only brother (from a different mother) Sulla, and those two were an inseparable bond till the day Sulla also was put to sleep from cancer on 11 - 1 - 2012. Sulla was my first number one son, then when I came home from the vet empty handed that fateful night on 11th Jan the Number 1 son baton was passed over to Winky and he held it right through till today. You know, I came home, and Beebee Smitten and Pixy were there to greet me, but none of them would ever be Number 1 Son material, they just dont have that something 'next level' I had with Sulla and Winky. Sure, I have favourites, whatever.
Winky has definitely tried my patience, being the Napoleon cat he has sprayed all over the house. Any time there was a new piece of furniture you could guarantee he would spray it, So annoying! But despite that, I loved him above and beyond any cat in the universe. Our cuddles were intense and he always slept on my side of the bed curled up under my armpit up against my belly or up on my pillow up against my head. In winter when I would use the electric blanket all night and he was cold he would tap the doona until I lifted it up and then he would climb under and sleep under the covers up against my belly or between my knees. His meow was the cutest! Because he was deaf he had a really weird tone, very distinguishable and very loud. I loved it. I love loud cats. His most striking feature, and one that was captured for all the world to see forevermore in the lovely 'Book of Joy' by Houndstooth Photographer, Alex Cearns, was his eyes. His page in the book was called 'Joy in their eyes' and I can tell you Alex captured the magic perfectly.
Alex's masterpiece photography in the image below (from the book) will forever immortalise Winky and for that I am so deeply grateful to her. The same photo has been used in banners, vet clinics (it hung on the Morley Vet Centre consult room wall for a few years), in expos and pet events, it has been in marketing campaigns, a 9 Lives Cat Rescue Calendar, and so much more. Winkys image has been seen and admired by thousands, so while I had the privilege of knowing him and loving him, thanks to Alex everyone got to see him. What an amazing honor. And I do hope that doesn't stop here. His book is on the coffee table at Perth Cat Hospital. Hopefully everytime someone waiting anxiously in the waiting room picks it up and sees the 'Joy in their eyes' and reads his little story they feel a little more calm and remember that if the outcome of their own cat is not the one they hoped for, it isn't the loss you focus on, it is the whole story. The joy and beauty they gave you all those years (few or many) and the fact that you will be there for them until the very end.
When we were in that clinic room, at the peak of our distress, my hubby said to me "This is it, no more pets, I can't go through this again". I din't tell him at the time, not wanting to impose on his outpouring of grief, but this isn't it by a long shot for me. Death is just one miniscule part of the story. Sure, I am going to feel pain for quite some time, but it pales in comparison to the 18 years of pure Joy and love and all those wonderful feelings I have felt from being Winkys Mumma. Why would I rob another cat of that? There are so many out there sitting in shelters waiting to be saved, just like Winky was.
With the heaviest of hearts I say: Farewell my Number 1 Son. My presh.
Many would say you are now reunited with Sulla. I prefer to humbly accept that your journey ends here. But believe me, your picture is eternal and your story will be told for as long as I still have breath in my body.
*Special thanks to Martine Van Boeijen, Niquet Reid, and the entire team at Perth Cat Hospital for exceptional care above and beyond regular practice. Thanks to The Perth Vet Emergency team for your kindness tonight and for taking good care of my baby. Big hugs and thanks to Alex Cearns for immortalising my son and making me feel so special in owning such a handsome cat that certainly did bring Joy in His Eyes every day of his life. Your photography is second to none and your wording in your book is magic.
Thanks to my Mum and Dad for helping care for Winky when he was sick, and for caring about him like a grandson, and for raising me to be a person who cares about cats (and all animals), the grounding I needed to give Winky the best life.
Most of all, thank you to Jayson Thew, my hubby, for being a cat whisperer, so intuitive and connected, for adopting Winky and the other cats when you took me on as a partner, and for caring for them and never flinching about the insane amounts of money I spend on them (we are about a year behind in our mortgage excess payments because of all their bills together) and for always putting their needs first. I am so sorry you have had to go through this grief, this terrible rollercoaster over the last two weeks, but boy - weren't the 12 years before that fucking awesome :) Please don't focus on the pain, remember the joy. And know how very much I love you with every inch of my heart.
Afterword: As I work passionately running and growing my animal charity, Perth Veterinary Bill Assistance, I would love if anyone who would like to celebrate the life of Winky do so with a donation. I would prefer this to flowers, cards, even messages, as this will go towards saving another life, one that without our help will be prematurely cut short. I get around 15 applications for assistance a week and can only help around 1 a fortnight to a month. If I can help one extra this month that would feel special. Thank you kindly.
'RIP Winky"
P&N Bank: BSB 806015 ACC: 01904737
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