I went out last night to a friends party and was introduced to a range of new people. Whilst drinking a few drinks and eating the fine food we settled at a bar table among a lovely circle of folk the usual topic of 'kids' came up, as it always does, oh so early in every conversation. It is a given, most people our age are either parents or grandparents, and to most people that is the centre of their universe, so they are always quick to bring it up (or perhaps for lack of anything else to talk about).
So, bracing ourselves, the usual question "how many kids do you have?" came up.
"None" I answered.
Years ago this answer would be met with "why?" but in the last few years with the rise of later marriages and people being a lot older having their first child, and hence the rise of fertility issues, and PC (bless it!) it has become a well known taboo to ask. So instead, you are met with a look of dismay, an awkward silence, a period of careful composing of thoughts, a sympathetic head tilt, and then a recovery comment that usually involves the assumption that you are living a highly lavish, flamboyant, self-centred lifestyle which is littered with copious amounts of spare cash, boozing it up, designer labels, and regular bouts of flying around the world. So of course, the reply was "My daughter doesn't want to settle just yet so she is also traveling the world and having a ball" (daughter is early 20's by the way, nothing to do with a CFBC lifestyle, just normal living) "I don't have any interest in international traveling. I just didn't want kids" Again, the look of dismay. Then the awkward silence. And as they realise you are CHOOSING to live a life without the thing they treasure most in the world, the sympathetic head tilt always follows.
Nothing to say now. Just awe and silence.
Hahahaha I love messing with peoples heads. This one never ceases to entertain me. I wish I had an album of Polaroids of the look on their faces.
If you want to see this played out, watch the first 15 mins of Sex And The City 2 (the movie) when Carrie & Big meet another couple at the wedding .
I'm Child-Free By Choice (CFBC). They don't call it Childless, 'less' infers that you are without something, missing something even, and the CFBC crowd don't feel they are without anything.
I have been in social media groups of CFBC people from all over the world and all their stories are pretty much the same as mine when it comes to experiences. It seems that the 'breeding' folk are a very predictable bunch. Same reactions, same predictable replies and comments, and same looks and reactions no matter where on the globe they are.
In fact, the replies are so predictable someone has made up a clever little game of Bingo with all the top listing comments and questions. Have a play, its fun!
Just swap out "But I want grandchildren!" for me, luckily enough my parents never ever put any pressure on us for that. I have no doubt they thought about it, but lucky for me they were very vocally supportive of me just doing what makes me happy. Sometimes I think their defence argument for my choice is a little too enthusiastic, like they are convincing themselves rather than anyone else, which makes me feel a bit guilty. But, what you can swap in is "How do you feel not giving your parents any grandkids?" to which I can honestly say I do feel bad because they would make awesome grandparents, but that doesn't override my desire to keep my very happy well balanced life just the way it is.
Of course, you often get those parents who try to be supportive and liberal (bless 'em), they always tell you things like "If I had a choice to live life again, I wouldn't have them" or "It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life" or "They're bloody hard work!" or they tell you some horror story about something crazy their kid did that morning like pouring the rice bubbles and milk all over the dog, or biting another kid in playgroup, but then there is ALWAYS the same closing statement: (this one is the single most predictable thing that comes out of EVERY parents mouth by the way) "... but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world". This kinda just totally negates every single thing you have said prior.
Anyways, you can't! You couldn't change it if you wanted to. It really is a pointless statement. And if what you are doing is convincing me that you love your kids, well no need, I don't issue Parent of the Year trophies. Besides, the only person you need to convince is them, it is no one elses business. I suppose the judgement of society is always at work, me for not having kids, and those who have had kids for their parenting mastery.
I haven't always chosen the Childfree life. When I was in Highschool, struggling to make grades (now I know that was because of ADD and not because of my laziness or stupidity), I kind of didn't mind so much because my assumption was that I was just going to find a nice guy, settle down, and have loads of babies. I never wanted to be a career woman, nor a traveler, nor a millionaire, nor a high achiever. I just wanted to be a mum and a wife. Very old fashion, not very feminist I know, but that was what I wanted. I still think if that is what people want that is great, you need to follow your heart and your desires. There is a purpose for everyone in this world. The only time I think it is detrimental is when you see those women who all they know how to do is be a mum, like they forget who they are and lose their identity, and then when their kids get independent they suddenly realise they don't know what to do with themselves, they have literally spent the most part of their life with no sense of self. Then all they think they can do is either have another batch of babies to get them through to their grand-parenting years or fawn over everyone elses babies and become child-minders and babysitters just to fill the void. I find that situation rather sad, imagine going through life with no sense of self. I suppose they don't notice the CFBC'ers sympathetic head tilts and the awkward silences. Perhaps it's just me who doesn't get it - I mean most of society sees parenthood as more important than anything else, so perhaps those women are some kind of superheroes or something?
So when did I 'change my mind'?
Right through to my 20's I was still of the mindset that I would meet my perfect prince, he would solve all my lifes problems, make me happy, make my world a better place, give me security, and we would marry and have a passel of brats who we thought were the most adorable little angels in the universe. Makes me laugh when people with horrid kids refer to them as 'angels' - I suppose Lucifer was an angel too - lol!
Anyways, in my 20's I was simply too fucked up for anyone to marry. I had an absolute waste of a decade, I was in NO way, shape, or form fit to be raising children or influencing anyone, and I sure as hell did not have the physical ability to cope with pregnancy or active parenting, this being my obese years and double the weight I am now (60kg now to 120kg then). To be honest, it is nothing short of absolute brilliance of fate that I did not have any mistakes of fertility during these years as I would have absolutely made a mess of any child in my care and I also have no doubt my own mental decline would have dropped into obscurity and I doubt I would have lived to tell the story. Sometimes I am so glad that the universe dealt me the cards it did - against all my yearning at the time - and it was so lucky I was dating a sensible man thru some of those years who knew I was too screwed up to be a parent and prevented it.
I had a Lap Band surgery at 28 which helped me shed my excess weight. As my weight peeled off, my confidence grew, my clouds of depression started to thin, and I started to think straight. I began the long process of cleaning up my act. As I gained self confidence, my knight in shining armour boyfriend realised I was no longer the person he needed (which was someone who needed him, needed to be rescued, was reliant and dependent) and things fell apart. As you lose weight your personality changes. This loses you friends and gains you friends. It is not a good or a bad thing, it just is. At the time you feel like it is the end of the world but now I look back and everything happened just how it should. Had I still been with him now, I would not be who I am today, I'd likely be the soccer mum and dance mum, id be the school pick up mum, and the sit around at Dome cafe lunch group mum. Whilst I'm sure I would be loving it (not knowing any different) I am really glad I am where I'm at, I feel what I am doing now is my true calling and I am moving mountains every step of the way.
Ha, I remember through my 20's saying that if I haven't had a kid by 30 I was going to just randomly pick up a one nighter and get pregnant and have a baby on my own!
Then 30 hit.
What happened at 30 that was so drastic a turn-around? Well for me this is when people around me started having babies. This is when I saw just how much work it was. How mentally and physically draining it was, and how *prepare yourselves for brutal honesty* fucking annoying some parents and kids can be. These once awesome people who you could talk to about anything anytime, who were smart and aware, and social, and spontaneous. All of a sudden these people cant string a sentence together without it being all about their child (or interrupted by one), or something to with with children in general, or parenting. Things that you know used to revolt them now all of a sudden are endearing, like snot, spit, and when kids misbehave. They used to raise their eyebrows at kids in the shops running amok, but now it has become cute and something they look upon with joy and pride. People who were once in your life all the time, suddenly a year or two can go by and you haven't seen nor heard from them once (they find a whole new circle of friends at birthing class and play group to hang around, and why wouldn't they, these people understand them, you don't).
These are the same people who used to want to save the planet, now they fill their landfill bins to the rim with plastic nappies, water bottles, plastic ziplock lunch-bags, more 'wet-ones' than imaginable, and all the paraphernalia that manages to save them three seconds of their time due to its nifty individual packaging and disposable nature. The same people who used to be office managers, business owners, and nailed years of university degrees who now live life watching The Wiggles and Peppa the Pig. Again, if this is their choice and what they wanted to do, more power to them, but as I watched this happening all around me just at the exact moment in time where I was evolving out of a 20 year funk and depression, dropping weight, starting to go out and live my life. I knew that my life as ME (who I always wished I was) was just beginning, and it certainly had no room in it for that kind of change, the kind that means life is no longer in your control, it's dictated by being responsible for a little human who is totally dependent on you. So at 30 I said no. This is definitely not for me. I didn't realise at the time that my mind was SO made up, but as more and more friends turned to parenthood and I saw more and more examples, my mind was in time firmly set.
In this day and age where the average age of starting a family is 30, there is no relief from the constant bombardment of assumptions that you will either have a mistake and learn to live with it and love it (no doubt, this is the way a lot of families are started), or you will change your mind and actively embark on unprotected shenanigans in order to propagate your ageing scrambled old eggs. You can be 45 and people will STILL say "there is time!" Time my ass, to what - get a hip replacement or order multifocal spectacles? LOL! It didn't help my own case any when my eldest cousin (who had never expressed any desire to have kids) had a last minute change of heart and had one in his latter years with his wife of the same age. I then got the "But cousin *Fred* changed his mind, you might too!" It felt neverending. So, with mind made up and determination to not fall into the 'mistakes happen - fucking learn to live with it' category - my hubby got the snip and I had my uterus lining destroyed (ablation). Once the friends and family learnt of this (which I made sure was straight away) ALL the comments, remarks, and assumptions fizzled away. It was SO liberating. I wish I had of done it 15 years ago! I was also a bit worried because I was showing signs of being in peri-menopause and I had heard way too many stories of 'change of life babies'. Not sure if that is an actual occurrence, or just wives tales explaining away women who make a last ditch attempt to put their uterus to work before it shrivels up, but either way I was not taking a chance.
I must say, life since then has been really quite simple, liberated. The assumptions have fizzled out, the Bingo Card remarks are few and far between, and the knowing smirks you get from people who seem to assume they know better than you and predict your future has an accident waiting to happen in it that will turn you around have all but come to a stop. Do you know how much of a relief that is.
Only thing it doesn't stop is the "Who will look after you when you get old?" thing.
Let me tell you this much. I'm not sure what age I am supposed to be 'old' at, but lets for the sake of discussion say 80. So, at 80 when I might be at a point where my body fails me and I need to go into care, I am supposed to have had a kid at age 30 and changed how I lived for FIFTY years (half my life) just so that I can be sure someone changes my diapers at 80? Wow, that is one hell of an investment into ones old age. How about instead, I save some of the money I would have spent on having children, use it to invest in a property, then when I get old I sell it and pay for a live in carer, or I check myself in to a bloody trendy modern new aged care facility (predetermined in my healthier years) where I am not relying on stretched second rate government facilities where I know I am cared for really well. Something like my Grandfather was in. Come to think of it, the place he was in was filled with people who never saw their kids. They had them, but never saw them. It doesn't matter if you have em or not, you shouldn't rely on them to care for you anyways, but if they do it is just a lovely bonus.
So we have settled the old age score. What's next? Oh, the "you'll never know real love" issue. One I can tackle in a few sentences really.
I'm very happily married. I am very content with the amount of love I feel, give, and receive in that relationship, thanks. Do I believe there is a bigger or different kind of love that a parent feels for their child? Without a doubt! But am I willing to have a child and change my life just to see what that feels like? Hells to the no.
I am happy to take your word for it.
I have single friends. They are not any lesser for never marrying. Writing this I actually think to myself how it never crosses my mind to think "I feel sorry for you because you never know the love of a husband/wife". For one, if it is meant to be it will happen, and secondly if they are happy and life is travelling along fine they really don't need anyone so why would I push them to change that? Just because I enjoy being married doesn't mean they will. I live my life my way, they live their life theirs. So why is it that parents have this insistent urge to tell everyone else what they are missing? Beats me. Perhaps it is the biological urge of an organism to encourage propagation and to multiply the species.
Another common one you hear, which people use as ammo in an argument: "Thank goodness you never became a parent!" I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has said this. Funny thing is, it is not even an insult. It might be to them, because take away their kid and they feel they don't have much left, but imagine if I was heartless enough to retaliate with the equal counter-reaction "What a shame you DID become a parent". Those who have never had a kid are used to living a full life without one, so we would totally agree, YES, thank goodness I didn't, it's not an insult.
"But you would have been a great parent" My Choice was not decided on whether or not I would be a good parent.
"But you are great with kids!" I am great with horses too, doesn't mean I am going to stick a couple in my back courtyard.
"Who will carry on your family name?" All my cousins kids, and possibly still my brother, maybe. If not, well the family line ends with us. Not a big deal. Not sure why continuing on a line is so important anyways? Isn't that a bit egotistical?
"You could have had the child that solved world peace or cured cancer"
I also could have the next Fred West, Ted Bundy, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, or Donald Trump. It's a complete gamble.
"If everyone made the same choice as you the population would die out!" Seriously? This is the only 'logical' argument you can think of? That is as bad as animal breeders who use the argument that the pet laws for compulsory sterilisation will wipe out entire breeds. Loooooooooong way of anything like that happening, if ever.
"We need to increase the population for a healthier economy" We also need to decrease the population for a healthier planet. Believe me, the planet dying will kill you way before an unhealthy economy will!
"It is Gods will" I don't believe in any god/s.
"Not having kids increases your chance of breast cancer" http://blog.johnsonmemorial.org/does-not-having-children-affect-reproductive-health-for-women
"You can't tell me about parenting, you're not even a parent" I might not be a parent, but anyone can clearly see that kid is acting like an asshole, and its parents are enabling/encouraging it.
Quite often, those who choose not to have kids are called selfish.
I've spoken to many CFBC'ers who have suffered terribly from either physical or mental health concerns, many of which can be genetically transferred. They made their choice based on not wanting a next generation to suffer as they have. Don't assume everyone is just choosing money/lifestyle over kids.
If you think there is an economical reason or genetic sustainability reason to have kids, then I suggest you have a look at this: https://www.worldometers.info/
I think the decline of the health of our planet and its ecosystems is going to cause much more of an issue than any economy crisis.
'The Crazy Cat Lady'
You know, I think the one thing I have to say came to me by surprise, was realising the offensive background to the 'humorous' label: The Crazy Cat Lady. Now, as someone who never had kids, and loves animals, I have chosen to own cats because they suit my hectic lifestyle, cats don't care if you are late from work or if you are out all weekend. In the past I have also owned fish, ferrets, hermit crabs, a dog, and birds, I love ALL animals. Except monkeys. Monkeys freak me out.
It is very common to be labeled 'Crazy Cat Lady' when you don't have kids. Why is 'Crazy Cat Lady' so offensive, and if that is the case, why do i sometimes label myself as one? It is offensive because it is a label given to women who have chosen to live life single and without kids. Apparently THAT makes them 'crazy'. Society feels that the only thing that would dare make a woman not use the uterus she was gifted, and not want to live the rest of her life with a man to cook and clean for, is a malfunctioning brain. Apparently loving an animal instead, one that gives love, has instincts, needs, wants, and behaviours - just like every other animal in the animal kingdom, but is a cat, makes you a stark raving lunatic. Yes, to me that is VERY offensive. It is the result of centuries of women being put in their place and being ridiculed for daring to think for themselves. It is why you never hear of 'Crazy Cat Men'.
Why do cats get a bad wrap? You never hear of a 'Crazy Dog Lady'. Many people have multiple dogs.
I feel it is because some people don't understand an animal who is independent, who is strong, an agile survivor. An animal that is confident of its place in the world so doesn't vie for your approval or continuous attention. Much like the confident independent woman, come to think of it. Cats are not needy or overly obedient, they can revert to being feral in a short while if dumped in the bush, they are always one instance of need for survival away from being the wild animal they were generations ago. I think humans with their precious superiority and over-inflated egos got used to the fact that they could train dogs to their command, they are their pack leader, and they are able to be worked, raced, and controlled, they can make money off them, they made them into something 'useful' and this became the benchmark of what makes a pet desirable. All the articles on cats regarding the killing of wildlife, the predation, being a pest, I think that is an attempt to rationalise hatred, because if those things really mattered to people they would look at the enormity of the impact the human race has on the environment and its ecosystems and realise they have much bigger issues to combat first, especially with population growth. At the core of it is a person who simply doesn't understand a domestic creature that doesn't worship them.
So why do I use the term on myself? I use it now and then, a bit of 'if you can't beat them, join them', being a 'good sport'. I get called it often. In the end it is a matter of picking your battles. What is the point of arking up - most people do it in jest, and have no idea of the negative connotations. If you tell them how it makes you feel, they label you as 'too sensitive', swallow some cement. Those who do use it as an insult are not worth reacting to. So I just go along with it. But I will never ever call someone that.
Plus, I do love cats, I have many. As someone with no children I have the time in my life to love and look after many animals. I foster, I board, I volunteer. I enjoy doing my bit to help these little creatures that are at the receiving end of so much human cruelty, negligence and ignorance. And to be honest we're all a little cray-cray now and then.
If you are someone who uses the label, perhaps think twice. It's nasty.
Having partaken in numerous Social Media CFBC support groups, I also realised that I was not 'the norm' among those I thought would be 'my people'. Unfortunately, the majority of conversations went one of two ways. 1) Child hating: I don't hate kids at all, in fact, I think my cousins kids are bloody awesome and love watching them having a blast together at family gatherings 2) Money worship: Many of them seem to want to justify their choice by throwing around money and bragging about flamboyant spending (labels, toys, cars, houses, holidays, all that stuff) and that isn't me. Cars and overseas holidays and shit don't float my boat. I have never really thought that the measure of success nor the reason to admire someone. Sure, if someone is showing me that kinda stuff, I will 'oooh' and 'aaahhh' so as to be polite and be happy for them doing what makes them happy, but it really isn't my thing. If you wanna impress me, be someone who isn't an asshole, be someone who has their shit together, show me what you do for the environment and to make the world a better place, now THAT's impressive. So after a while of being bored out of my brain with all the showing off, bragging, and the hatred posts, I left and just went it alone. The hubby is still in some of them, he has a much higher tolerance level for bullshit, and now and then he reads out a funny post or a shocking one, but that's about all the exposure I need, thanks.
I think the thing that has pissed me off most over the years is finding new friends who claim to also be CFBC but one day they meet a partner and within days/weeks they are talking about what they are going to name their 3rd born child and whether they will enroll their kids into private or public school. You feel lied to, cheated. That is not CFB Choice, that is CFB Situation - pending hook up, LOL. It happens way more than you think. I believe those darn 'loved up' pheromones have a lot to answer for!!! haha
Many people will assume that the CFBC live these full on partying lifestyles.
Perhaps I do get out and about more often and more freely than those with kids. I can decide to go out on a whim and not have to spend two weeks pre-planning sitters, schedules, prepping meals and activities, and carefully making sure that I make the most of a four hour window of freedom (with the exception of the hourly call to the sitter to make sure everything is ok, and to tell the kids how much I miss them, of course) . I can drink if I want to, knowing that a hangover the next day is able to be nursed off couching with berocca, netflix, panadol, and uber-eats. I can spend money on door entry because I am not buying little johnny a pair of Adidas Predators, or little britney a Grishko Aurora. So there are definitely some perks there. But to be honest, the biggest set back is that whenever you want to just bite the bullet and go out on a bender, the majority of the people around you have kids and can't join you. So yes, you can party, but for the most part, you party alone.
I remember family and friends parties going till all hours of the morning when I was younger, and that was SO much fun! I loved those times you were having a great deal of fun and next minute the sun started peeking over the horizon and you realised with dismay that you had partied the whole night through. Singing, dancing, talking, eating and drinking, I found that parties like that nowadays are few and far between because everyone has to rush off 'adulting'. The one good thing about getting older is that as your friends get older their kids also get older and more independent so they are less inclined to rush off or stay home in the first place. So in your 30's and early 40's you go through a bit of a friends drought but in the latter years they all re-join the scene, but be sure to enjoy them while you can, soon they will be housebound again - this time babysitting grand-kids!
I don't need you to agree with my choice.
I'm not here to convince you to make the same decision I did.
I'm not trying to tell you anyone's life is better or worse than the other.
What I do hope is that you understand a woman is so much more than a baby maker, and if you ever come across someone who tells you they made the choice to not have children (no matter how young or old they are) you know that they don't want dismay, sympathy, mocking, accusation, religious damnation, or economy lessons. All they want is your knowledge that a lot more thought goes into the decision to NOT have kids than most people put into having kids and that you respect the basic human right for everyone to choose their own life path no matter how different it is to yours or anyone elses. Never tell a little girl or a grown woman "you will change your mind", perhaps they will, who knows, but it is not your call to point out. They should feel free to choose because of how they feel inside, not because of outside influences. You have your life and you got to make your choices - now it is their turn.
